Monday, March 03, 2008
Closure
I think today marks the day for me to move on and let go; its sad but true, everything that I've worked hard in since Freshman year...from running for club positions and taking finance courses on a crazy coursework schedule is probably not going to be of any use anymore. I apologize for the lack of updates and the sparse details on my life over the past few months. Ever since school started this semester, by life has been marked by more downs than ups. I haven't really been listening in lectures, eating healthy, or even thinking about the future. The initial nightmare of not getting interviews turned into other nightmares when after getting into final round interviews, I just wasn't good enough to get an offer.
***
Really, my grand ambitions and dreams all seem to be dissapating into thin air. I remember I really worked hard in Hwa Chong because I set a goal for myself to get into a good school overseas. And then I got accepted here and there but I eventually chose Cornell because I thought that going into a ivy league would position me favorably in the job hunt. But then again, coming to America and realize that you have to compete with the other incredibly rich, well-connected, intelligent, and of course eloquent kids --- its a total ballgame altogether. Going through the entire recruiting process has made me disillusioned with myself and the system. Why do I yearn for a job in banking that much? Why do they not reward hardwork? Why this? Why that?
So this summer I guess I will not be in NYC working my ass off. All the plans to be living in midtown and restaurant-exploring, Soho shopping and living in the nyu dorm wouldn't materalize after all. I always thought that based on the amount of effort that I have invested, I really 'deserve' to be part of Wall Street and that elite gang. But no, maybe its just not meant to be.
***
Something that was really bugging me for the entire day was knowing how I helped this 'acquaintance' who knew zero about the firm that we both were interviewing for. And how my initial 'help' of providing information about the job actually gave her very positive reviews during her first interview. And in the end, after both of us went for the final round interviews, she was selected over me.
At first I was extremely bitter. Because in my opinion, the girl wouldn't have made it in the first place without my bits of information. But then again, all I could do and congratulate her and just let it go. Its really a truly learning experience for me; it is so difficult to realize that your one and only shot and the internship has been robbed by someone you helped who possibly wouldn't have been there in the first place without your information. And even after knowing she got accepted, I was pondering about whether what I did was really the right thing. Or was it so silly of me to have even bother to help a so-called 'rival'.
***
I always see my life as one big fight. Of how I really worked very hard back in Sec 3 knowing I wasn't as intelligent as the other 2B kids. And how in 04S6A I was one of the last few kids in class who had to appeal back into the school but eventually graduated to be the top girl of my class. And then how at every point of my life, I try to push myself a little bit more towards the top so that I can stay ahead of the race. Be it going to Hwa Chong even if it meant not being able to do Bio, or going overseas to study so that I can have an edge over others next time. This one so far has been the toughest, because the industry is really extremely competitive and the people I really have to fight against with have so much more than me. It is a long drawn battle too, having to think how the first half of the semester has been a nightmare, and knowing that I will be jobless is just going to make the second half even worse.
Even so, it wouldn't be me to give up. I was (pleasantly) surprised by my calmness even after knowing that I have rejected. I guess I just have to find something else somewhere.
***
Its finally going to be mid-term Spring Break for me in a weeks' time. For the first time in months, I hope to find peace and take a break away from all the internship job hunt. I'm gonna go on a Carribbean cruise from Florida to Jamaica and Cayman Islands. I love how the sea is green and the sand along the Carribbean coasts are always so fine and grainy. And hopefully my million and one troubles and worries will be left behind in Ithaca.
Even the snow here is starting to melt soon. Me and ck built a huge ass snowman the other day and I guess by tomorrow when the sun comes up, it will prolly just be some wet muddle on top of the muddy front lawn.
Till then lumpy.
***
Chin up xr. Another ditch in the road you keep moving. Another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years go by so fast, wonder how I made it through...
Really, my grand ambitions and dreams all seem to be dissapating into thin air. I remember I really worked hard in Hwa Chong because I set a goal for myself to get into a good school overseas. And then I got accepted here and there but I eventually chose Cornell because I thought that going into a ivy league would position me favorably in the job hunt. But then again, coming to America and realize that you have to compete with the other incredibly rich, well-connected, intelligent, and of course eloquent kids --- its a total ballgame altogether. Going through the entire recruiting process has made me disillusioned with myself and the system. Why do I yearn for a job in banking that much? Why do they not reward hardwork? Why this? Why that?
So this summer I guess I will not be in NYC working my ass off. All the plans to be living in midtown and restaurant-exploring, Soho shopping and living in the nyu dorm wouldn't materalize after all. I always thought that based on the amount of effort that I have invested, I really 'deserve' to be part of Wall Street and that elite gang. But no, maybe its just not meant to be.
Something that was really bugging me for the entire day was knowing how I helped this 'acquaintance' who knew zero about the firm that we both were interviewing for. And how my initial 'help' of providing information about the job actually gave her very positive reviews during her first interview. And in the end, after both of us went for the final round interviews, she was selected over me.
At first I was extremely bitter. Because in my opinion, the girl wouldn't have made it in the first place without my bits of information. But then again, all I could do and congratulate her and just let it go. Its really a truly learning experience for me; it is so difficult to realize that your one and only shot and the internship has been robbed by someone you helped who possibly wouldn't have been there in the first place without your information. And even after knowing she got accepted, I was pondering about whether what I did was really the right thing. Or was it so silly of me to have even bother to help a so-called 'rival'.
I always see my life as one big fight. Of how I really worked very hard back in Sec 3 knowing I wasn't as intelligent as the other 2B kids. And how in 04S6A I was one of the last few kids in class who had to appeal back into the school but eventually graduated to be the top girl of my class. And then how at every point of my life, I try to push myself a little bit more towards the top so that I can stay ahead of the race. Be it going to Hwa Chong even if it meant not being able to do Bio, or going overseas to study so that I can have an edge over others next time. This one so far has been the toughest, because the industry is really extremely competitive and the people I really have to fight against with have so much more than me. It is a long drawn battle too, having to think how the first half of the semester has been a nightmare, and knowing that I will be jobless is just going to make the second half even worse.
Even so, it wouldn't be me to give up. I was (pleasantly) surprised by my calmness even after knowing that I have rejected. I guess I just have to find something else somewhere.
Its finally going to be mid-term Spring Break for me in a weeks' time. For the first time in months, I hope to find peace and take a break away from all the internship job hunt. I'm gonna go on a Carribbean cruise from Florida to Jamaica and Cayman Islands. I love how the sea is green and the sand along the Carribbean coasts are always so fine and grainy. And hopefully my million and one troubles and worries will be left behind in Ithaca.
Even the snow here is starting to melt soon. Me and ck built a huge ass snowman the other day and I guess by tomorrow when the sun comes up, it will prolly just be some wet muddle on top of the muddy front lawn.
Chin up xr. Another ditch in the road you keep moving. Another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years go by so fast, wonder how I made it through...
ilovetotwirl at 7:01 PM
